They bear my name, so I must be on the PR list.

Photo by Alessio Zaccaria on Unsplash (Edited by author)

When Lil Nas X slid down that long stripper pole and into my life, I was immediately seduced. That chiseled body. That rhythmic twerk. That absolute banger of a song. Goddamn. He can have me and my horned crown, any day of the week, for all eternity. Just one quick question, though — where is MY pair of blood sneakers?

My new lover, Lil Nas X, collaborated with art collective MSCHF to create 666 pairs of “Satan Shoes,” each crafted with actual human blood, and I have yet to receive a pair. The drop sold out in less than a…


SATIRE

Try to help me improve, and I will throw up

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

I handed you my draft in hopes that you’d shower me with praise, but I can see you’re about to offer me some constructive criticism. Let me stop you right there. For if you do, I will become violently ill. Sorry, but it’s just the way I am.

I’ve been this way since I was a child. I once eagerly shared a short story I had written — a retelling of the tragic legend “Two Lovers Point,” but with geckos instead— only to have my second-grade teacher comment that it lacked originality. When I got that story back, my nose…


By author

Uncovering the shocking conspiracy behind Studio Ghibli and…


PERSONAL ESSAY

It’s impossibly spherical and obviously a miracle— checkmate, atheists!

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash

About five years ago, I called it quits with God. It was a culmination of reasons that led me to renounce my faith: discrepancies in the Bible, lack of evidence for the existence of a god, the mind-numbing absurdity of salvation logistics, the mistreatment of women and the LGBTQ+ community, and the conundrum of human suffering, mainly. I’ve lived comfortably and freely as an agnostic atheist during this time, but this season of waywardness has come to an end. …


FRUIT

Where else might I store my firm, delicious, on-the-go snack?

By author

Why, hello. It’s been a while. Here is a friendly hug. You ask, “Are you happy to see me or is that a banana in your pocket?”

I am taken aback. Have you ever considered that both statements might be true? I am truly elated to see you, and yes, that is a banana in my pocket. How keen of you to notice.

There’s something lacing your question, though. It’s chiding, almost accusatory. You even wiggled your right brow at me.

Let me ask you — Where do you store your banana when you are out and about? …


SATIRE

With a little willpower and maybe a snake, it can be done!

Photo by Sora Shimazaki from Pexels (Edited by author)

You’re fully aware that there is no production team in your bathroom, but you cannot resist — you are pretending that you’re starring in your own Vogue “Beauty Secrets” YouTube video while you get ready for your Zoom calls.

“Now this stuff is on the pricey side, but it is li-tuh-ruh-lee my holy grail, you guys,” you say into the mirror as you hold up your Neutrogena face lotion that is not a $95 tub of Crème de la Mer moisturizer. Your partner knocks on the door, “Babe, were you talking to me?”

“No!” you call back. “I’m just slowly…


FEELING HELPLESS

I’m nestled safely in my Asian American bubble — how does my reposting of #StopAsianHate help us at all?

By author

The Atlanta spa murders hit me pretty hard. I’m still a jumble of thoughts as I try to make sense of the racism I’m seeing. I know the facts available are limited, but I have this need to put a label on the crime — to put it in the racism box, the religion box, the mental illness box, or the combination box. I ask myself, why does my need to categorize even matter? People are dead. I’m a stranger with no ties to any of the victims other than a broad shared ethnic background, and I’m engaging with someone…


SATIRE

But she just heard about the bamboo and glass ceilings, so she’s sad

Photo by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash

Los Angeles, CA — On March 15, 2021, 7-year-old Emma Mori became the first girl to break through the blanket ceiling of the blanket fort that she built with her father and sister in the living room.

She accomplished her groundbreaking achievement by reaching above her head, finding the edge of the Raya and The Last Dragon blanket that was draped over a chair, pushing it aside and jumping through. She ruined the blanket fort in the process and made her 4-year-old sister, Mila, cry really, really hard.

“Mila was hogging all of the strawberry Pocky, and that’s why I…


CAT DROOL

Better than a sunrise lamp and way cuter too

Wow, so refreshed! Photo by cottonbro from Pexels (Edited by author)

I have difficulty waking in the morning. I’m like a slug. I could roll around under the covers all day if it were socially acceptable. My husband starts his morning and comes back to prod at me to check if I’m still breathing.

“Baby, wake up,” he says.

“Okay, just give me three more hours,” I say as I turn over.

Lately, my husband has taken to putting cat treats on my face in an effort to wake me up. I am jolted by the feeling of being eaten alive by a ravenous house cat. It is unbearably tickly and…


SATIRE

I find the prospect unpalatable

Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels (With additional art by author)

I’m a scrumptious Chamorro Chip Cookie, and for the love of all that is good and holy, I am pleading that you do not send me to Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. I applaud the sentiment behind Guam Delegate Michael San Nicholas’ idea of “cookie diplomacy” after Greene referenced Guam as a “foreign country” that is undeserving of aid. But if you send me and a Guam history book to her office out of goodwill, I believe things will not end sweetly, or even semi-sweetly.

I am the baked jewel of this U.S. territory, and I deserve better than to be…

Julis Rei

Writer, blogger, and capybara devotee. House Pufflepuff or whatever. More at www.moonjellyblog.com.

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