From “You’ll never be published in McSweeney’s” to “AWOOO” — “Thank you for sending this in, but we aren’t going to publish it.” “It’s going to be a ‘no’ from me, dawg.” “LOL. Bitch, you wish.” After receiving a healthy number of rejection letters from editors, the voice of doubt in my head was becoming uncomfortably loud. It was shrill…

Crying without crediting me is disrespectful — I am the first ever to have produced wet stuff from my eyes as an emotional response. Everyone knows it. Imagine how enraging it was when I saw that you were crying so freely. As if I hadn’t invented it. As if you weren’t heavily influenced by my artistic genius…

Now we can have matching perforated footwear, honey! — Multiple sources have reported that your father, George Anderson, is super stoked that you are finally ready to embrace the foam resin clogs he has worn since 2002. Your father first noticed the Lime Zest pair of Crocs you were wearing in a photo you sent to the family group…

A guide to getting her hot and energized — Words of Affirmation Express your feelings through words. Tell her “I’d do anything for you, darling” and “Yes, I’ve considered your invitation to finally join you for a coffee enema session, and since I’ve regrettably said I’d do anything for you, I must graciously accept” and “No, really, I’m stoked to…

Manifest your brightest, clearest self by purchasing all of these reasonable products, handpicked by the Goop girls! — Sadie’s pick: This Smells Like My Social Anxiety Rollerball, $89. Take your social anxiety on the go with this sophisticated fragrance. Base notes: orange blossom and worry. Heart notes: vetiver and excess fear of being judged. Top notes: sunbeam and sweat salt. “I get tons of compliments whenever I wear…

You’rrrrre outta there, Jesos! — I pulled Jesos out of my heart using a pair of Operation game tweezers. He wriggled in my hand and then disappeared in a cloud of holy smoke. I’ve since noticed some cool things about not having fun-size Jesos in my heart. Here they are: More room for blood in…

This peach baby saved the town, but he’s ruining my lifestyle — I knew that comically large peach floating down the river was too good to be true. One that hefty and beautiful would go for ¥9,000 at Sembikiya. Perfectly fuzzy and nestled in foam net — promising sweet, juicy flesh inside. Still, I caught it in my hands and lugged it…

First of all, how dare you — You absentmindedly took a step back. You heard the yelp of your precious baby just as you felt the distinct furriness of their paw under your foot. You immediately retracted, stumbled, spilled your coffee, and burned your hand. You didn’t even put your full weight on their paw, but the…

You can run, but you cannot hide behind these thin, face-framing tendrils of hair. — Sorry to bother you, but that trend of pulling two antenna-like strands of hair from your middle part to hang limply on your face is back, baby! But it didn’t return alone — oh no, it came bearing a sharp reminder of how impossibly whack you were in the ’90s…