SELF

From “You’ll never be published in McSweeney’s” to “AWOOO”

Images by Amal Santhosh and Charlotte May from Pexels

After receiving a healthy number of rejection letters from editors, the voice of doubt in my head was becoming uncomfortably loud. It was shrill and constant. My days and nights blended into one long period of suffering. That all changed when I stumbled upon a 24-hour-long video of a dog singing the blues on YouTube.

The clip is pure, vertically-filmed art. It presents a tan dog vocalizing to a simple blues line played live…


SATIRE

Crying without crediting me is disrespectful

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

I am the first ever to have produced wet stuff from my eyes as an emotional response. Everyone knows it. Imagine how enraging it was when I saw that you were crying so freely. As if I hadn’t invented it. As if you weren’t heavily influenced by my artistic genius. The callousness of your actions! I demand a sincere, volitional apology right this instant.

The similarities between my crying and yours are impossible to deny. Notice that your teardrops are flowing from the pink triangles of flesh in the corners of your eyes. See how the liquid pools on your…


Now we can have matching perforated footwear, honey!

Images by Nathan Dumlao and Robert Godwin on Unsplash

Multiple sources have reported that your father, George Anderson, is super stoked that you are finally ready to embrace the foam resin clogs he has worn since 2002. Your father first noticed the Lime Zest pair of Crocs you were wearing in a photo you sent to the family group chat, to which he replied: “Well, throw me in a Florida swamp and chomp me in two — Crocs are in, baby!”

Though you have resisted the ultra-comfy, perforated footwear in the past, influencers like Bretman Rock and Arielle Vandenburg have convinced you that donning the reptilian-namesake footwear is now…


Humor

A guide to getting her hot and energized

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Words of Affirmation
Express your feelings through words. Tell her “I’d do anything for you, darling” and “Yes, I’ve considered your invitation to finally join you for a coffee enema session, and since I’ve regrettably said I’d do anything for you, I must graciously accept” and “No, really, I’m stoked to share this experience with you.”

Gifts
Tangible items prove that your affection is real. Order a $100 enema kit — with extra tubing — and a monthly subscription of premium, organic coffee beans from her favorite roaster. Dark chocolate, toffee, full-bodied? Doesn’t really matter, it’s going up the butt.


SATIRE

Manifest your brightest, clearest self by purchasing all of these reasonable products, handpicked by the Goop girls!

All illustrations by author

Sadie’s pick: . Take your social anxiety on the go with this sophisticated fragrance. Base notes: orange blossom and worry. Heart notes: vetiver and excess fear of being judged. Top notes: sunbeam and sweat salt.

“I get tons of compliments whenever I wear this, which is dope, but also makes me self-conscious. Amelia said I smell pretty, but I think she meant that she hates me. I cope by hiding in the Crystal Cove until everyone leaves the office! Really long-lasting fragrance.”


You’rrrrre outta there, Jesos!

Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash

I pulled Jesos out of my heart using a pair of Operation game tweezers. He wriggled in my hand and then disappeared in a cloud of holy smoke.

I’ve since noticed some cool things about not having fun-size Jesos in my heart. Here they are:

  1. More room for blood in there.
  2. Jesos’ beard hairs don’t clog my arteries anymore.
  3. I can get a tiny pentagram tattoo without hearing Jesos sigh in disappointment.
  4. He doesn’t knock on my heart during inopportune moments like when I’m about to cut the red wire to defuse a bomb.
  5. I don’t feel an inexplicable urge…


This peach baby saved the town, but he’s ruining my lifestyle

Image created in Canva, based on a photo by mits hak on Unsplash

I knew that comically large peach floating down the river was too good to be true. One that hefty and beautiful would go for ¥9,000 at Sembikiya. Perfectly fuzzy and nestled in foam net — promising sweet, juicy flesh inside. Still, I caught it in my hands and lugged it to shore. I thought, Well, turns out there was a baby inside it, and I’m a mom now.

We almost sliced into the baby. Luckily, Shun’s stainless steel Santoku knife stopped just short of the little one’s head. The peach fell…


“PEETS”

First of all, how dare you

“I’m baby. You hurt.” Photo by Álvaro Niño on Unsplash

You absentmindedly took a step back. You heard the yelp of your precious baby just as you felt the distinct furriness of their paw under your foot. You immediately retracted, stumbled, spilled your coffee, and burned your hand. You didn’t even put your full weight on their paw, but the damage has been done. They looked up at you with their big, shining eyes — you tried to kill them!

Accidentally stepping on your pet’s paw hurts you more than it hurts them, but they don’t know that. You wish you could communicate to them that you didn’t mean it…


FASHION, SWEETIE

You can run, but you cannot hide behind these thin, face-framing tendrils of hair.

Photos by Boris Smokrovic and Olena Sergienko on Unsplash (Edited by author)

Sorry to bother you, but that trend of pulling two antenna-like strands of hair from your middle part to hang limply on your face is back, baby! But it didn’t return alone — oh no, it came bearing a sharp reminder of how impossibly whack you were in the ’90s. What’s that sound? It’s probably your yellowed, curling dELIA*s catalog gently weeping in the attic.

Maybe no one else remembers that your AIM screen name was NickCarterBbyGrL00, but this hairstyle does. And it will not let you forget it. A/S/L? Sure, it’s Always/Super/Losery.

Ugh, and remember that one time someone…


HUMOR

Please delete it on account of how very bad I look in it

Photo by Ryutaro Tsukata from Pexels

Dear Doctor Cho,

I would first like to express my most sincere gratitude that you have safely delivered my precious baby girl into the world. Your professionalism really put me at ease while I pushed her out of my body. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that you posted the very first photo of my newborn child on Facebook without my express permission, and I need you to delete it immediately. I look like shit in it.

I saw the Facebook notification on my phone as I was lying, exhausted and torn open, on the hospital bed. Imagine my…

Julis Rei

humor writer from Guam

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