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Julis Rei
Julis Rei

309 Followers

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Published in

MuddyUm

·Aug 12, 2021

How I Finesse My Way Out of Answering Those Damn ‘Where Are You From’ Questions

“Sir, I came from my mother’s womb” — As someone who looks Asian, I get those questions often. The dreaded where are you from? The even more cringe-inducing My friends and I have a bet going on regarding your nationality, so WHAT are you? The direct-to-the-point, but usually off-target Are you [insert any ethnicity here]? …

Humor

3 min read

How I Finesse My Way Out of Answering Those Damn ‘Where Are You From’ Questions
How I Finesse My Way Out of Answering Those Damn ‘Where Are You From’ Questions
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Lady Pieces

·Jul 23, 2021

How I Quieted the Voice of Doubt in My Head By Listening to a 24-Hour-Long Video of a Dog Singing the Blues

From “You’ll never be published in McSweeney’s” to “AWOOO” — “Thank you for sending this in, but we aren’t going to publish it.” “It’s going to be a ‘no’ from me, dawg.” “LOL. Bitch, you wish.” After receiving a healthy number of rejection letters from editors, the voice of doubt in my head was becoming uncomfortably loud. It was shrill…

Humor

2 min read

How I Quieted the Voice of Doubt in My Head By Listening to a 24-Hour-Long Video of a Dog Singing…
How I Quieted the Voice of Doubt in My Head By Listening to a 24-Hour-Long Video of a Dog Singing…
Humor

2 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Jun 30, 2021

I Invented Crying as a Concept— Please Apologize to Me Now

Crying without crediting me is disrespectful — I am the first ever to have produced wet stuff from my eyes as an emotional response. Everyone knows it. Imagine how enraging it was when I saw that you were crying so freely. As if I hadn’t invented it. As if you weren’t heavily influenced by my artistic genius…

Humor

2 min read

I Invented Crying as a Concept— Please Apologize to Me Now
I Invented Crying as a Concept— Please Apologize to Me Now
Humor

2 min read


Published in

Humor Darling

·Jun 28, 2021

Local Father Stoked You Finally Realize the Fashion Value of Crocs

Now we can have matching perforated footwear, honey! — Multiple sources have reported that your father, George Anderson, is super stoked that you are finally ready to embrace the foam resin clogs he has worn since 2002. …

Comedy

2 min read

Local Father Stoked You Finally Realize the Fashion Value of Crocs
Local Father Stoked You Finally Realize the Fashion Value of Crocs
Comedy

2 min read


Published in

Greener Pastures Magazine

·Jun 23, 2021

Tell Her You Love Her in All 5 Love Languages

A guide to getting her hot and energized — Words of Affirmation Express your feelings through words. …

Humor

2 min read

Tell Her You Love Her in All 5 Love Languages
Tell Her You Love Her in All 5 Love Languages
Humor

2 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Jun 21, 2021

Goop Blog: A Chill Roundup of Our Newest Obsessions

Manifest your brightest, clearest self by purchasing all of these reasonable products, handpicked by the Goop girls! — Sadie’s pick: This Smells Like My Social Anxiety Rollerball, $89. Take your social anxiety on the go with this sophisticated fragrance. Base notes: orange blossom and worry. Heart notes: vetiver and excess fear of being judged. Top notes: sunbeam and sweat salt. “I get tons of compliments whenever I wear…

Humor

4 min read

Goop Blog: A Chill Roundup of Our Newest Obsessions
Goop Blog: A Chill Roundup of Our Newest Obsessions
Humor

4 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Jun 9, 2021

Unexpected Benefits of Removing the Tiny, Bearded Man From Your Heart

You’rrrrre outta there, Jesos! — I pulled Jesos out of my heart using a pair of Operation game tweezers. He wriggled in my hand and then disappeared in a cloud of holy smoke. I’ve since noticed some cool things about not having fun-size Jesos in my heart. Here they are: More room for blood in…

Humor

2 min read

Unexpected Benefits of Removing the Tiny, Bearded Man From Your Heart
Unexpected Benefits of Removing the Tiny, Bearded Man From Your Heart
Humor

2 min read


Published in

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

·Jun 7, 2021

I’m Momotaro’s Mom, and I Never Asked for Any of This

This peach baby saved the town, but he’s ruining my lifestyle — I knew that comically large peach floating down the river was too good to be true. One that hefty and beautiful would go for ¥9,000 at Sembikiya. Perfectly fuzzy and nestled in foam net — promising sweet, juicy flesh inside. Still, I caught it in my hands and lugged it…

Humor

3 min read

I’m Momotaro’s Mom, and I Never Asked for Any of This
I’m Momotaro’s Mom, and I Never Asked for Any of This
Humor

3 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·May 25, 2021

How to Reconcile with Your Pet After You’ve Stepped on Their Little Paw

First of all, how dare you — You absentmindedly took a step back. You heard the yelp of your precious baby just as you felt the distinct furriness of their paw under your foot. You immediately retracted, stumbled, spilled your coffee, and burned your hand. You didn’t even put your full weight on their paw, but the…

Humor

3 min read

How to Reconcile with Your Pet After You’ve Stepped on Their Little Paw
How to Reconcile with Your Pet After You’ve Stepped on Their Little Paw
Humor

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·May 23, 2021

’90s Antennae Hairstyle Back to Remind You of Just How Uncool You Were in the ‘90s

You can run, but you cannot hide behind these thin, face-framing tendrils of hair. — Sorry to bother you, but that trend of pulling two antenna-like strands of hair from your middle part to hang limply on your face is back, baby! But it didn’t return alone — oh no, it came bearing a sharp reminder of how impossibly whack you were in the ’90s…

Humor

2 min read

’90s Antennae Hairstyle Back to Remind You of Just How Uncool You Were in the ‘90s
’90s Antennae Hairstyle Back to Remind You of Just How Uncool You Were in the ‘90s
Humor

2 min read

Julis Rei

Julis Rei

309 Followers
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